Afraid-Of-Summer

userboxed:

the inevitable ending we are all going towards, possible relief or possible “dead end”, haha

So I’m a shitty person who wants to end it, but no: it’s egoistic, it will hurt others etc

Instead I have to keep living in self-loathing, making my parents spend a fortune on my education, fail over and over to live normally, fail to stop being depressed, fail everything since I’m weak and faulty, terrified of people, lonely and petty. I have to see everyone I care about die first before me, I have to make all the mistakes I’m supposed to make, trying pointlessly to change anything. Maybe one day it will get better, having experienced max amount of shit I will find some peace. And then - and only then! - I am allowed to die, to end this mistake of a life.

Now: I am trying, I am, but I’ve failed more times I can remember and I keep failing. I have to keep go through this shit because I owe everyone and have to make sure they’re not hurt. Okay.

I am not obsessed with Joji anymore, he grew out of Filthy Frank, but I did not

Now there’s a void inside of me

I swear I love studying and I love my school, but I often feel too lazy to move, that’s why I’m not succeeding

everything was FINE, my life was together and I felt loved. Now for some reason I slept all day, stuffed myself with disgusting food, I am numb and awake at 3 am. I’ve already fallen behind on schoolwork

I didn’t drink, I exercised, I took my pills, I went to class. Why am I so weak? Why am I such a mess?

I really, really, REALLY hope I don’t wake up tomorrow, but I know I will and it makes me sad

I’m tired of myself and I’m tired of my life. All I’m good at is self-destruction. Alcohol doesn’t help, sleep doesn’t help. I get used to things like being loved too quickly and then I suffer even more when I’m alone again. I wish I never existed.

I wish I had someone to hug. I am too weak for this world. I am too useless for this world. It’s destroying me and all I do is helping it to destroy me. I am a lost case, and it feels terrifying. I am a disappointment and I am slowly dying. Why am I like this?

I’m so fucked up heh. I want to have sex with my boyfriend every night until we pass out and every morning until I’m ready to face the world. I want to love and support him, make sure he’s happy and do all the small pleasant things that will bring him joy. I know it’s 80% hormones kicking in my brain after all this years of mental health issues, but God does it feel good and right

He’ll abandon me soon enough because I’m a miserable alcoholic with unstable mentality, but Jeez. I just want to be with him, love him and fuck him good. I hate myself, I hate my life, but suddenly there’s a reason I’m still alive: I want to see him